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mystery/sleeps but doesnt dream/alive at the scene
I was born in the late eighties, and honestly,

I don't understand kids nowadays.

I'm talking about people a few years younger than me, having grown up with the internet, like me (but better technology) its insane how drastic a change “teenage culture” has gone thru.

I fear that some young people in this age learn to connect socially/intellectually/whatev, for the majority, online or at parties
Leaving for a pretty isolated, undeveloped, and an instant-entertainment expectation of life.

I used to be that kid until I turned 14, and learned social grace the hard way :P Very low self esteem. if it wasnt for one person who reached out to me, i have no doubts I wouldn't be here. Eventually I got outta my shell and learned to live and love life to the fullest.
idk what my point was, but yeah,

Go talk to that quiet person you've always felt attracted to. Try and make friends.

isolation in this connected time, and being disconnected with your reality is the key to the end of our species.

the above was a pretty toned down version.

What the FUCK is going on in society? What were those kids parents doing? Not raising them to survive in today's society. Talk to your kid, if he doesn't leave the house, something is very wrong. Guide them, reach out MORE. Pathetic. Frightening. The sheer, unfeeling coldness of it all scares me.

Perhaps if I had more positive things to say about society (Trust me - I will - until I forget about and this whole blog, and no-one will read it)

B/c of our unique culture, 'the facebook generation' we need to find ways to make kids learn to adapt.. or maybe our parents need to adapt. Things are changing, information and technology are being spread and absorbed and used exponentially every minute. There's another landscape for anyone to roam - virtually. It's all thanks to this unfathomably vast, varied, rich, vibrant, uncensored, and anonymous tool called the internet.

It can go either way! Hope for humanity resides in today, in you, in me, in our young adults, children, babies, generations of parents.

In love, vulnerability, strength, loyalty and honesty. I'd like to say a simple YES! but it's your choice ultimately. If anyone hasn't, I pray hope finds them.

they're now just exponentially enlightened

Imageynation - two teens beat a homeless man to death for fun.
mystery/sleeps but doesnt dream/alive at the scene
24 October 2008 @ 11:46 pm
I have developed a deep appreciationg for public toilets, having scoured so many across the city, out of necessity. Not that I suffer diarrhea, but its usually best to keep your taboo vices behind closed doors.

My limbs are aching, the inner beast is nipping.
And I feel my willpower slipping.

I find a beautifully post-modernist toilet haven and enter the last stall. I've procured a case for my tools of the trade, casually under the guise of ______________. Removing my bag of used___, a ___ wrapped in toilet paper, and the red __, I get to work.

The crook of my elbow is scarred on both sides. I roll up my sleeves, smothering my __ arm between my legs for a makeshift _)__.

I breathe deep.

Hold that breath.

One swift movement, and this warmth replaces the cold, unforgiving itch.

I float away, cool as a cucumber, my steps are slow and lazy, they pour into each other dripping like honey.
mystery/sleeps but doesnt dream/alive at the scene
14 January 2008 @ 11:35 am
Travelling westbound...
Catching the splashes of white water rafters and the glimpse of someone who evoked familiarity (that someone is on the coast. our destination)

Is it the fresh air or the caffeine? Either way I feel refresehed. Ready to shed another skin... I just wish Blake was here to join us. I miss his touch, shared smiles, and his ability to make things better no matter what the situation.
mystery/sleeps but doesnt dream/alive at the scene
14 January 2008 @ 11:33 am
Ours was a land of perpetual dark
Driving too fast, but always in park.
Can't forget the way you made me feel
Fearless, and charmed by your right-handed steering wheel :)

Exhilarated. Thrilled. Scared. Excited. Riding at 170 KM/h on your motorcycle... wind whips through hair (it fell out in knotted bunches the next day) so fast the sunglasses began to slide off my face. I remember musing, any small variable could lead to our demise, but it made me feel so alive.
I held you tight. A yellow blur in the moonlight.

Did you know...
I think about you every day. Longing.
It's so wrong. (i like it)
Get out of my head. (did you know the next day i deluded myself hoping every motorcycle passing by was you? the neighbor's kids were to blame)

it will never work but I want you to want me as much as I want what you can give me. it is the ugly truth.
mystery/sleeps but doesnt dream/alive at the scene
21 October 2006 @ 04:36 am
Have you Ever:

(x) snuck out of the house
(x) gotten lost in your city
(x) saw a shooting star...
(x) been to any other countries besides canada
(x) had a serious surgery
(x) gone out in public in your pajamas
(x) kissed a stranger
(x) hugged a stranger
( ) been in a fist fight
(x) been drunk
(x) laughed and had milk/coke come out of your nose
(x) pushed all the buttons on an elevator
(x) made out in an elevator
(x) kicked/punched a guy where it hurts
(x) been in love
(x) broken a bone
(x) been high
(x) given someone a bruise
(x) skinny-dipped
(x) skipped school
(x) flashed someone
( ) had oral surgery
(x) saw a therapist
( ) done the splits
(x) played spin the bottle
( ) gotten stitches in your lip
(x) bitten someone
( ) been to Niagara Falls
(x) gotten the chicken pox
(x) kissed a member of the opposite sex
(x) kissed a member of the same sex
( ) crashed into a friend's car
( ) been to Japan
(x) ridden in a taxi
(x) been dumped
(x) shoplifted
(x) been fired
(x) had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
(x) stole something from your job
(x) gone on a blind date
(x) lied to a friend
( ) celebrated mardi gras in new orleans
( ) been to Europe
(x) slept with a co-worker
( ) been married
( ) gotten divorced
( ) had children
( ) saw someone die
( ) been to Africa
(x) Driven over 400 miles in one day
(x) Been to USA
( ) Been to Mexico
(x) Been on a plane
(x) Thrown up in a bar
(x) Purposely set a part of myself on fire
( ) Been snowboarding
(x) Met someone in person from the internet
(x) Been moshing at a rock show
( ) Been to a moto cross show
(x) been in an abusive relationship
(x) gone to a college (visiting, yo)
( ) graduated college
(x) done hard drugs
(x) taken painkillers
(x) love someone or miss someone right now
(x) swam in the Pacific Ocean
( ) swam in the Atlantic Ocean
mystery/sleeps but doesnt dream/alive at the scene
Everyone I'm surrounded with seems so surpressed in terms of coversation. All I hear people talk about is themselves, gossiping, spilling out every mundane, useless thought that comes to their mind. Like, I really don't fucking care if you, say, slipped in the mud today.

I know my writing in here is about me me me but thats the purpose of this journal: record memories & thoughts.

However when you're out in a group of people and all people say are mini "stories" of banal things that have occurred recently, that no one seems to take a interest in, just waiting for their turn to spew the drudging parts of thier thoughts.

Is this "normal" conversation?

I'm admittedly a quiet person around most people. I usually don't speak unless I think it's a meaningful contribution, and I dislike the style of conversation Oprah has taught us: while one person tells a story, the other sympathises and replies with a tale of their own.

No, I really miss debate, exchange of ideas, emotions. People who truly listen, evaluate, retain.

Where can I find yooooouuuuuuu?
mystery/sleeps but doesnt dream/alive at the scene
25 July 2005 @ 04:32 am
Nicole Blackman is a literary godess. Her writing affects my core.

Listening to this song brings back memories of RJC.

Lots has happened, obviously. I've had this journal for quite some time now, and I'm unsure whether as to abandon it & leave it to remind me of the me I once was, or just keep writing in it. It has been pretty much neglected.

"sometimes the people we think we know the most turn out to be the best deceptors.
masters of thier own puppet play.
you can find out far more about a person from their reactions.
forever? seems so permanent
I can just imagine a caveman -- back aching, adrenaline draining -- just to etch a picture, to record a moment
or a fat friar staying awake til dawn with his quill pen feeling the shock of sunrise. too absorbed in his writings.
as we sit by the hearth of old thermostats and comfy furniture no real need for rawness
Raw is too ugly, unnecessary, bothersome,
for every crtic sleeps himself to inertia
rested comfortably underneath cheap van Gogh reproductions
we always said. dont criticize until you've experienced
what if all the masters, in all their madness,
were so raw
they felt nothing at all --
and all this bull shit
would never start
people just might mean what they say"

-young&immature 2003/04 me, i was just looking thru old shit for art to sell.


Broadway is living. meth&crackheads seem like normal drugdealin' kids. am i just desensitized?
Age doesn't really matter there. It's like a family. a rough, partly homeless family made of really nice street kids/druggies/hippies.

a few nights ago i played a part in a hippie jam. It was really creepy.beautiful.interesting.
Zoester's going hitchhiking with Corb&puppy to Alberta/BC. I'm pretty sure I can think of at least 4 people who orgasm at the though of coming home with 100 tabs of acid or some new drugs they *havent* tried yet. FUCKTHECOKE. dont do jib, kids. please. because i love you. and dont want the broadway scene anymore diminished. lawll ...
Yeah, a few days ago I had a bad trip on the magical fungi. at a mini party z & s were flying on E. meanwhile I cried in the rain and wanted to die. it seemed like it would never end. but it did. and im staying off hard drugs... everything except for weed&cigs&small amounts of alcohol.
I'm so stupid. I almost did gack. FUCKME. glad I didn't.

Really should have gone to Ness Creek. Sad I didn't. But whatevs.

I missed out on another guy. Who looks like a younger, hotter J.Depp. I Cannot Date Shy Men. Sometimes I just don't feel like I have the time or energy. i fucking hate it when people don't talk. well i dont mind moments of quiet introversion& thought. but i hateHATEHATE awkward silences that last more than 2 minutes. aka forever.

I heart Josh Martinez. & GG allin. lol.
I don't think I could ever be into the grind scene besides the mosh pit at shows. is pig destroyer grindcore? w/e.

My hot music list
  • Decemberists!
  • GG Allin
  • Necro
  • Josh Martinez w/ or w/o Mcenroe
  • Atmosphere
  • KMFDM - "Dogma"
  • Fear before the march of flames
  • Peaches
  • Aesop rock...ish...

    I realize how I don't really like Sarah.

    So this whole entry didn't really "flow". OH WELLs. its my journal. I can't help but feel I lose more IQ points daily.

    CANT WAIT FOR QUARTER ONE AT NUTANA. going to be a blast and a half. soo many kids are coming.

    well, got to go work on commissions.


    BYEZ nonexistant LOVERRR
    Current Music: Sufjan Stevens - Flint
    mystery/sleeps but doesnt dream/alive at the scene
    23 May 2005 @ 01:55 am
    hey have you ever been in love before? i was just having a conversation with someone& they tell me it's wonderful. im jealous.

    i was thinking, do you think i know you well? oh right, NO lol
    i never feel like i know someone well enough because i always want to know about thier childhood, family, interests etc. it sounds really weird/stalkerish lmao but yeah. i think ppl have so many facets of their personality& i was just thinking about how i felt like no one really knows me fully.. sure they know pieces of me... but not the whole puzzle. does that sound stupid? is it superficial or fake to not let everyone know stuff about me?
    yeah sometimes i am really secretive and then petty people feel the need to make shit up about me. it's happened. or sometimes i just dont want to talk whatever the reason and someone labels me a bitch!

    (oh yes by the way you are right about the "six degrees of seperation" being the name.. i just remeber being introduced to the idea under a different name..or none at all)

    recently ive been feeling REALLY lonely. but i want someone to just be there & listen & hold me lol. its not even "being horny". i want to know love..not friend love.. but i really want a boyfriend or girlfriend. someone who um.. meets my high expectations. they're not that bad really.. i dont care about being rich etc.
    i just want someone who's smart enough & understanding & isn't. .afraid.

    i think i am in love. it feels different when i talk to chris. it always has, my heart jumps a little. the thing is, i know we'll probably never get to be together.. but he IS moving to ontario next month. he told me about his girlfriend and i tried to act like it didnt bother me..
    but we're on the same wavelength. i *know* him, have for 3 years. even dated him for like 3 weeks in eighth grade (age 12!!!)... we didn't even kiss.

    holy shit. DEJA FUCKING VU. i remeber a dream where those words appeared: we didn't even kiss. i didnt think about it when i was typing.

    i don't know whether its best to pursue this or just go on living life. i know deep down we dont really have a chance of being together.. location... plus i told him i thought i might be a lesbian. i really did think that, though. but then i talked to him...

    honestly now in hindsight i dont think i ever really truly loved nadine. we clicked thats for sure, and are definitely best friends and know a lot about eachother. we are so close. haha, i remember the first day we met--instantly clicked&she was so funny & we kissed lol but we're on a different wavelength. and she's so loveable... got plenty of *guys* falling in love with her.

    maybe i am asexual. but you gotta admit, its special, that he made me feel like i was floating on a cloud for 2 straigh hours.

    honestly, every time i tell a secret that makes me potentially vulnerable, i feel like puking afterward.

    really, i feel sick right now.

    but i have quite a different perception of love than most people do, for sure.
    its a really extreme thing in my eyes. you've got friend love, family love, love for humankind, and finally romantic love---so complete, you can only LOVE one person in the world at a time this way... pure & NO SECRETS

    Written back in the day:
    So I'm sitting here when it hits me: I'm not destined to be in love wth a person, but admire and love beauty, create it, share it. - october 2004
    mystery/sleeps but doesnt dream/alive at the scene
    23 May 2005 @ 12:58 am
    holy fucking SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    he made me cry, made me angry,
    and made me realize how alike we are & how rare it is to find someone like that, we're totally on the same level.
    oh my god, i swear this isn't just me being dramatic-- this is the first time someone's made my heart jump when we spoke.

    this is fucking weird & i don't know quite what to do. nobody's ever made me feel
    like this, not even petty "crushes" i pretend to like.

    the lamest part is, i havent seen him in 3 years. and im not likely to see him anytime soon-- he lives in america but is moving to the opposite coast. though it is in my country.

    why cant i pursue things i want, when they're available? i think im too afraid. of mine, or their, incompetence. i have high expectations of myself and others... relationship-wise.

    but holy shit. paradigm shift. maybe im not asexual? lesbian? but not totally straight either. i'm ppaaaaansexual. label me.
    mystery/sleeps but doesnt dream/alive at the scene
    21 May 2005 @ 01:49 am
    friday night fun

    christians made my friends cry
    went for coffee
    and i had an adventure crawling under a bridge! scary, but i made it.

    some other shiznat,