I was born in the late eighties, and honestly,

I don't understand kids nowadays.

I'm talking about people a few years younger than me, having grown up with the internet, like me (but better technology) its insane how drastic a change “teenage culture” has gone thru.

I fear that some young people in this age learn to connect socially/intellectually/whatev, for the majority, online or at parties
Leaving for a pretty isolated, undeveloped, and an instant-entertainment expectation of life.

I used to be that kid until I turned 14, and learned social grace the hard way :P Very low self esteem. if it wasnt for one person who reached out to me, i have no doubts I wouldn't be here. Eventually I got outta my shell and learned to live and love life to the fullest.
idk what my point was, but yeah,

Go talk to that quiet person you've always felt attracted to. Try and make friends.

isolation in this connected time, and being disconnected with your reality is the key to the end of our species.

---
the above was a pretty toned down version.


What the FUCK is going on in society? What were those kids parents doing? Not raising them to survive in today's society. Talk to your kid, if he doesn't leave the house, something is very wrong. Guide them, reach out MORE. Pathetic. Frightening. The sheer, unfeeling coldness of it all scares me.



Perhaps if I had more positive things to say about society (Trust me - I will - until I forget about and this whole blog, and no-one will read it)


B/c of our unique culture, 'the facebook generation' we need to find ways to make kids learn to adapt.. or maybe our parents need to adapt. Things are changing, information and technology are being spread and absorbed and used exponentially every minute. There's another landscape for anyone to roam - virtually. It's all thanks to this unfathomably vast, varied, rich, vibrant, uncensored, and anonymous tool called the internet.

It can go either way! Hope for humanity resides in today, in you, in me, in our young adults, children, babies, generations of parents.

In love, vulnerability, strength, loyalty and honesty. I'd like to say a simple YES! but it's your choice ultimately. If anyone hasn't, I pray hope finds them.


they're now just exponentially enlightened



Imageynation - two teens beat a homeless man to death for fun.

may 5.

stayed up late w C just having long conversations. co_?!
i spent all night getting high!
what's wrong with my world ?
Anniversary of not getting way fucked up like I did that night?
my lifes usually too stable. but yeah, having to live with your ex boyfriend will do that to ya.

trie d to start getting ready round 9, but too sketched out! waited til 1.. realized it was a short day.
\

cabbed downtown, met Bev at midtown, .trekkked to 20th to score dope, walking down 3rd ave met Bruce, seans bud from 2 years ago! he bought me mcdonalds :)

Met Elisha there, chatted.

Jesse came and picked me up, we smoked a doob and he drove me to the art gallery.

I met the sweetest girl there, she threw away my coffee, so she made me a new pot, she gave me some art advice adn told me about her shows, and getting grants. invited me to a gallry opening tomorrow :)

Met D there, I took the bus to Fire Creek, he went to Midtown, later we met in front, stopped at delta besss so I could steal tissue paper, went to his house after I noticed a Mechanical Seperation poster ;)

Had ecstatic sex! I cried on his shoulder... however d says he wants time apart. I said he can call me when he wants to talk, one of the main reasons he was apprehensive was he was worried about me.. i promised to let him know when I felt about to slip. Fuck him. How can he fucking say he's going to always be there for me,

Be together with me for a day, like the old times, and then the next not want to speak with me?
FCK, NOT worth my time! I need someone reliable, not someone whos going to decide to ditch me when its convienient for them.

I said "I can't do this. It hurts me too much to have my heart played with like this." I took the dried branch and left. MECH SEP AHOY!

BUt fuck me, I have $2... on INTERAC. I stash my branch, chill out the back door, talk to some peeps, copy the smiley face stamp skillfully ;) and waltz in. I feel lonerish at the edge of the table, seemingly the only one whose body's getting into the beat.

OK! Bathroom break. Pull out the pill, fucking SPILL HALF on the floor, spend almost MECH SEP's show tryna retrieve what little bits of chemical I can :(
Stroll the fuck outta there feelin very fine, meet these 2 guys outside. They introduce themselves. I say to one, "Wanna buy me a drink?" He does. After, We head to the bank and MISS MECH SEPP!!! O's brother is actually the bass player, killer. He was pretty smokin'. We take a joint break in Ryans truck, O grabs me another double vodka orange, and I AM FUCKING PUMPED. READY TO GET THE FLOOR ALIVE. We start a mini pit, some dude with a cane starts waving that shit in the air, rockin'. I dance the whole set.

Now wouldn`t the band feel like THE SHIT? :D

ANother joint break! I DROP MY PHONE IN THE TOILET!!! Battries out, still works.

Show finshes, we head to the HOSE, its closed :(

Back to O's, couple beer, and they can both beatbox dope, surprisingly :D O freestyled for me. IDK, gotta ride home, here I am!

I could feel hints of it coming.
It was in the air, a note in the sounds of our voices.

Dan says I'm selfish sexually..
"isn't sex the most unselfish thing? Where you give yourself to another?
Its Give and Take." --> in a really peeved voice.

"I have something to tell you...
But I'm afraid of what it might mean
I might risk losing a relationship and the place I live..

I've been doing drugs again.
"Meth? Coke? what?"
"Morphine...
I was planning on this upcoming break to get clean"

"ok.

I'm strong. You need to leave in those 10 days.
I can't have you here."
"Ok..."
*Starts talking about bills*
"Well I'll see if you can get your deposit back.. don't worry about the utilities of course.."
I start sobbing and run to the bedroom to get my jacket to get the fuck out of there.
I can't deal, and I light up the smoke shaking.
"You k-n-oww I still love you Dan.. Everything we had.
I'll always appreciate the ttii-me w-e had tog-ether..." My voice cracks.

I run to the room.
"I need to be alone!" Ishout.

*Oh my God, I can't believe this is actually happening. OMG. OMG. FUCK! I fucked things up. I don't know what to do. .. fuck!! I can't handle this*

I sob for 2 hours straight, talking on the phone with my suicidal sister. Her baby's daD cheated on her with two diffferent girls.. both her friends :(
She's getting her own place. I thought about living with her and asked her if I could. Said yes.
I realized it had been a year since my dad died. And I am 19 and a half exactly.

I have developed a deep appreciationg for public toilets, having scoured so many across the city, out of necessity. Not that I suffer diarrhea, but its usually best to keep your taboo vices behind closed doors.

My limbs are aching, the inner beast is nipping.
And I feel my willpower slipping.

I find a beautifully post-modernist toilet haven and enter the last stall. I've procured a case for my tools of the trade, casually under the guise of ______________. Removing my bag of used___, a ___ wrapped in toilet paper, and the red __, I get to work.

The crook of my elbow is scarred on both sides. I roll up my sleeves, smothering my __ arm between my legs for a makeshift _)__.

I breathe deep.

Hold that breath.

One swift movement, and this warmth replaces the cold, unforgiving itch.

I float away, cool as a cucumber, my steps are slow and lazy, they pour into each other dripping like honey.

Have you Ever:

(x) snuck out of the house
(x) gotten lost in your city
(x) saw a shooting star...
(x) been to any other countries besides canada
(x) had a serious surgery
(x) gone out in public in your pajamas
(x) kissed a stranger
(x) hugged a stranger
( ) been in a fist fight
(x) been drunk
(x) laughed and had milk/coke come out of your nose
(x) pushed all the buttons on an elevator
(x) made out in an elevator
(x) kicked/punched a guy where it hurts
(x) been in love
(x) broken a bone
(x) been high
(x) given someone a bruise
(x) skinny-dipped
(x) skipped school
(x) flashed someone
( ) had oral surgery
(x) saw a therapist
( ) done the splits
(x) played spin the bottle
( ) gotten stitches in your lip
(x) bitten someone
( ) been to Niagara Falls
(x) gotten the chicken pox
(x) kissed a member of the opposite sex
(x) kissed a member of the same sex
( ) crashed into a friend's car
( ) been to Japan
(x) ridden in a taxi
(x) been dumped
(x) shoplifted
(x) been fired
(x) had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
(x) stole something from your job
(x) gone on a blind date
(x) lied to a friend
( ) celebrated mardi gras in new orleans
( ) been to Europe
(x) slept with a co-worker
( ) been married
( ) gotten divorced
( ) had children
( ) saw someone die
( ) been to Africa
(x) Driven over 400 miles in one day
(x) Been to USA
( ) Been to Mexico
(x) Been on a plane
(x) Thrown up in a bar
(x) Purposely set a part of myself on fire
( ) Been snowboarding
(x) Met someone in person from the internet
(x) Been moshing at a rock show
( ) Been to a moto cross show
(x) been in an abusive relationship
(x) gone to a college (visiting, yo)
( ) graduated college
(x) done hard drugs
(x) taken painkillers
(x) love someone or miss someone right now
(x) swam in the Pacific Ocean
( ) swam in the Atlantic Ocean

Everyone I'm surrounded with seems so surpressed in terms of coversation. All I hear people talk about is themselves, gossiping, spilling out every mundane, useless thought that comes to their mind. Like, I really don't fucking care if you, say, slipped in the mud today.

I know my writing in here is about me me me but thats the purpose of this journal: record memories & thoughts.

However when you're out in a group of people and all people say are mini "stories" of banal things that have occurred recently, that no one seems to take a interest in, just waiting for their turn to spew the drudging parts of thier thoughts.

Is this "normal" conversation?

I'm admittedly a quiet person around most people. I usually don't speak unless I think it's a meaningful contribution, and I dislike the style of conversation Oprah has taught us: while one person tells a story, the other sympathises and replies with a tale of their own.

No, I really miss debate, exchange of ideas, emotions. People who truly listen, evaluate, retain.

Where can I find yooooouuuuuuu?

holy fucking SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

he made me cry, made me angry,
and made me realize how alike we are & how rare it is to find someone like that, we're totally on the same level.
oh my god, i swear this isn't just me being dramatic-- this is the first time someone's made my heart jump when we spoke.

this is fucking weird & i don't know quite what to do. nobody's ever made me feel
like this, not even petty "crushes" i pretend to like.

the lamest part is, i havent seen him in 3 years. and im not likely to see him anytime soon-- he lives in america but is moving to the opposite coast. though it is in my country.

why cant i pursue things i want, when they're available? i think im too afraid. of mine, or their, incompetence. i have high expectations of myself and others... relationship-wise.

but holy shit. paradigm shift. maybe im not asexual? lesbian? but not totally straight either. i'm ppaaaaansexual. label me.

friday night fun

christians made my friends cry
went for coffee
and i had an adventure crawling under a bridge! scary, but i made it.

some other shiznat,

SARAH AND I HAVE A BABY WE HAVENt NAMED YET

oh wow

im really nervous/excited

i have a date with a really hot someone
who actually likes bright eyes XD

most people i know apparently really hate them. YEAH!

hello....

it was violation. she liked it .it gave her a sense of belonging. the veiled man smiled his eyes at her. dripdripdrip. it was a violation of human rights, any passerby would have glared or called the police. little reddish vials dotted her blanket, each capsule another mark to add to her wall of self esteem. her longest lasting amour would outlive her.
but later it would soon turn cold.
they raised themself alone in dark bedrooms with symphonies that no other human was meant to understand


i dont even know if this makes sense nor have i the energy or will to go thru it again. it is so short. idont know. how do i feel about this? i want to like it. but i can see its lameness seep through :/

entangled unable to escape

cling

tiwsted garbled nails tiwch and
sh
uddd
er



twitchTWICTHC twitch


twist the vine

andlisten
l i s ssss te n


stomach flips and
tnytinysensitive


rustle and chirp and ruslte fade fade f a d e STOP


wow am i bored!
I love you all! I really do. Kisses! Hugs! Orgies!
its the way that he makes you fall in love..

when they found her, it was almost expected. A barely legible script written in haste, but thought out days beforehand. nothing was there except a still-clothed woman.
after all, you only write suicide letters if there was at least a hint of life worth mentioning.
it almost looked like she fell hap-hazardly into a full tub. the water was growing colder, the last stage of life was when people thought she was most

glorious?

I cant get this song out of my stereo and head:
( Does he kiss your eyelids in the morning when you start to raise your head? )





I bought a bucnh of clothes tday. I'm happy.
I cant wait to show off.
Downtown, I saw Duncan and Amanda and hungwith Duncan for a while. It was okay....

OMFG I JUST GOT TOLD TONIGHT THAT IM GOING TO COLD LAKE
...tomorrow....

I havent talked to my dad since April... I've been avoiding him...apparently he got a father's day card or something... and thanked me? I didnt send him anything, but shh.
Fathers are strange. I swear my dad is being manipulated by his gf... they are common law now. She's nice to my face and all, but she fucking looks through my journal and belongings behind my back. Die Bitch!

Anyway. I am so blank lately. At least I am not depressed. but im bored. no, scratch that. im not bored, im .. unsatisfied b/c i miss the unpredictability of how i used to be.

So here I am.
Yes.
I've never failed any classes before... except gym in grade7, where I never showed up to. I almost failed Christian Ethics 9 ... not as if thats really a required course when I go to a public school.... but yeah I passed with 50% after I skipped the final exam.

Ah well. it was my owndoing.

I guess some things never change.


I want to go see a movie today....Dopamine.
Dopamine is a chemical in your brain apparently trigged by both cocaine and love. Ibelieve I've experienced it...

( now showing in saskatoon at the four dollar theatre )

you are purple #800080

Your dominant hues are red and blue. You're confident and like showing people new ideas. You play well with others and can be very influential if you want to be. Your saturation level is very high - you are all about getting things done. The world may think you work too hard but you have a lot to show for it, and it keeps you going. You shouldn't be afraid to lead people, because if you're doing it, it'll be done right. Your outlook on life can be bright or dark, depending on the situation. You are flexible and see things objectively.

the spacefem.com html color quiz

I took this twice and got the same answer....

newlayout biatches!!


graphic made by me.

pattern from vered.

i bought pocky today.2 packsandtheyaregone.
i need a smoke
Hardcore.

Spring
5 finger discounts
totse
no drugs


Summer
Wicca
Religion
Nature
Sleep
Partying


Fall
Melancholy ness..
Blah
Lots of drugs
Love


Winter
Depression
DRUGS
Sleep
Loneliness

i am staring into the abyss of my sams webcam. its eerie eye stares lovingly at my chest. maybe i am being sensitive. i feel almost violated.

sam scratches my nipples with a fork. its stinging sensation scrapes at my soul. sam always forks me in miscellanious places....


he typed that btw ^^

hahaha. i am an eraser.

LAYER ONE:
-- Name: Astra
-- Birthdate: 10/05/89
-- Birthplace: Saskatoon, SK
-- Current Location: read above..but lots of places in between.
-- Eye Color: dark brown
-- Hair Color: black purple
-- Height: 5'6"
-- Righty or Lefty: Right handed

LAYER TWO:
-- Your heritage: I'm not really sure... lol... I have native, scottish, and some other european countries... in me blood
-- The shoes you wore today: my crappy black shoes that are soaking wet from falling in the lake.
-- Your weakness: *darts eyes* Weakness???
-- Your fears: i hate looking down from high places and seeing things no one else can (not that that has ever happened...)
-- Your perfect pizza: extra cheesy, with just just-right amount of spices, and stuffed crust
-- Goal you'd like to achieve: Be a succesful psychiatrist/pharmacologist with a good family.

LAYER THREE:
-- Your most overused phrase on AIM: lol
-- Your thoughts first waking up: "Nooo, don't wanna get up"
-- Your best physical feature: Eyes, ass, hands, feet
-- Your bedtime: weekdays-1 am weekends- 4 am
-- Your most missed memory: happy times with my whole fam

LAYER FOUR:
-- Soda: coke --- ex pepsi fan
-- Fast Food Joint: the classic, mcdonald's
-- Single or group dates: single I guess
-- Adidas or Nike: don't care
-- Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: NESTEA!!!!!!!! but lipton has a nice edge. Brisk leaves a dry aftertaste in your mouth.. O yeah, I'm the iced tea conoisseur.
-- Chocolate or vanilla: CHOCOLATE (ph34r the chocoholic)
-- Cappuccino or coffee: french vanilla coffee

LAYER FIVE:
-- smoke: cutting down on it
-- Cuss: I like to say I don't, just to see the look on people's faces.
-- Sing: all the time!
-- Take a shower every day: yeah sometimes twice or 6 times.. if it's been a dirty day *wink*
-- Have a crush(es): yesss. too many.
-- Do you think you've been in love: I don't like to get too involved in relationships.
-- Want to go to college: yes
-- Like high school: NO.
-- Want to get married: Right now i want to marry my best friend, who is unfortunately a gay boy :(
-- Believe in yourself: aww do i have to?
-- Get motion sickness: depends on the altitude
-- Think you're attractive: a little.. but not really.
-- Think you're a health freak: ^ ^ ^ ^
-- Get along with your parents: um. no.
-- Like thunderstorms: t-storms are awesome
-- Play an instrument: Guitar.. and an xlyophone I think
LAYER SIX:
In the past month . . .
-- Drank alcohol: twice
-- Smoked: many times
-- Done a drug: Yes. ...
-- Had sex: Yes
-- Made out: Yes
-- Gone on a date: Sort of
-- Gone to the mall?: no
-- Eaten an entire box of Oreos: eeewww
-- Eaten sushi: raw fish... yes by accident at the lake
-- Been on stage: Yes
-- Been dumped: No.
-- Gone skating: hahaha
-- Made homemade cookies: Yes
-- Gone skinny dipping: Yes! Twice...
-- Dyed your hair: yes. black black black
-- Stolen anything: yes candy but i repayed them after

LAYER SEVEN:
Ever . . .
-- Played a game that required removal of clothing: yes. in grade 5. in the middle of a field LOL
-- Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: yes
-- Been caught ?doing something?: by my mother!
-- Been called a tease: no
-- Gotten beaten up: yes.....not my fault they weighed like 100 ounds more than me
-- Shoplifted: yes.. *ashamed*
-- Changed who you were to fit in: what the hell? NO.

LAYER EIGHT:
-- Age you hope to be married: 25
-- Numbers and Names of Children: 2 kids, Eden and Eve. or if boys, Jake and Azrael.
-- Describe your Dream Wedding: small
-- How do you want to die: peacefully of old age in my sleep
-- Where you want to go to college: UofS, Simon Fraser U, BCU
-- What do you want to be when you grow up: Graphic Designer or Psychiatrist or Pharmacologist
-- What country would you most like to visit: JAPAN! or Italy.

LAYER NINE:
In a guy/girl . . .
-- Best eye color? light brown or green or blue
-- Best hair color? black or *dyed* blonde or brown
-- Short or long hair: short or really looong dreads or braids
-- Height: taller than me
-- Best weight: cut - thin but muscular
-- Best articles of clothing: t shirt and shorts or pants.
-- Best first date location: movies
-- Best first kiss location: indoors or outside in a park

LAYER TEN:
-- Number of drugs taken illegally: many
-- Number of people I could trust with my life: 2
-- Number of CDs that I own:like, 23, but my music is on mp3s mostly. no cd burner.
-- Number of piercings: 5
-- Number of tattoos: 2 -- ankles
-- Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper?: Twice, both before age 10. I used to model.
-- Number of scars on my body: lots. too many to count.
-- Number of things in my past that I regret: A lot.